Nothing

My best friend went to China last summer and he brought me back nothing. He knows me so well, of course it was perfect. The texture, dimensions, overall quality -- it was the paragon of clean simplicity. I loved it so much I put it up on my wall. Whenever friends came over, they would ask, “What's that?” “What's what?” I wasn't sure. “That!” they would point. “Oh,” understanding, “nothing.”

The days went on like that until I hardly noticed nothing was there. Until, one day, it wasn't. I looked at the spot where nothing had been. I blinked and rubbed my eyes with my knuckles. I decided not to jump to conclusions. First, I looked where it could be and then I looked where it couldn't. I placed some investigative phone calls. Had I moved it while I was drunk? Had I been drunk? I scoured my memory for some non-occurring phenomenon. I kept drawing blank after blank.

Anyone who has had nothing one day and then lost it the next can easily understand my predicament. It couldn't just up and disappear. At that point, I did what any sensible person in my situation would do. I walked over to the local police precinct to report it as stolen. The desk sergeant directed me to a back cubicle where an old officer sat hunched over, sucking on his mustache. He kept his eyes glued to his number two pencil, and I just assumed he was waiting for me to get on with it.

Well I described it as best I could -- the texture, dimensions, overall quality. I did that thing with my eyebrows as I stared at him expectantly. I'm so bad at describing, I wasn't convinced he or anyone else would recognize it if they saw it. When after a long pause the officer looked up and suggested that I maybe draw it for him, I knew there was no hope of my ever finding nothing again.

I walked out of that precinct feeling pretty low. I know I shouldn't get so attached to things. My mother often reminds me how badly I wanted that pet tortoise I kept for three months before presenting as a gift to my first grade teacher. I still sometimes search my closet for the red scarf I lost two years ago. I know it's a problem. It's just I was so sure I wouldn't lose it this time. It didn't seem like something I could lose.